When a spirited heart, eager for love’s embrace,  
Comes forth with whispers of a potential mate,  
I pose a question, laced with grace:
“Do you envision respecting this soul, your fate?”

When an excited, marriage-minded young soul comes to me with the news of having found someone they might want to marry, my question is, “Do you see yourself respecting that person?” As a teacher of fiqh, the science of deep reflection on the sacred sources and how they are lived in the lives of believers, I affirm that a life worth living is one in which we treat others with respect and dignity and fulfil their rights. Marriage embodies that ambition.

The Prophet, may God’s peace and blessings be upon him, told us all, while addressing a group of men, that women are primarily married for reasons (among others): wealth, lineage, beauty, and religion. Aware that humans naturally and justifiably seek the first three, he warned us not to pursue them without the fourth, the most crucial, which is religion. In other words, know what you are looking for and seek it out.

A partner sought exclusively for wealth leads to disappointment, while having a righteous wife who is wealthy does not. The key here is balance and compatibility. Can you respect this person regardless of their financial status? That is a question only you can answer. Lineage and a good family signal honourable standing and morals, as good lineages bestow values onto the next generation. Thus, seeing someone with a good lineage is a positive sign, indicating that your children, another consideration in marriage, will inherit good values from this union. Then there is beauty. Humans innately love beautiful things, as God is beautiful and loves beauty. Therefore, you must be physically attracted to your partner, which is a perfectly normal expectation. However, one should balance all of this with internal beauty, that of the soul, which the Prophet, may God’s peace and blessings be upon him, is pointing to. Marrying someone for their religion is about seeking virtuous values: honesty, compassion, humility, generosity, and the like. It involves outward expressions of faith and real innermost beauty, not just outward beauty, but what lies within.

All of this reminds me of the story of Laylā and the famous Abbasid Emperor, Harun al-Rashid.

Upon hearing that a poet named Qays had fallen hopelessly in love with Laylā and lost his mind for her, and was therefore named Majnūn- the madman- the emperor became very curious about the woman who had caused such misery.

“This Layla must be a very special creature. A woman far superior to all other women. Perhaps she is an enchantress unequalled in beauty and charm,” he thought.

Excited, intrigued and curious, he played every trick in the book to find a way to see Laylā with his own eyes.

Finally, one day, they brought Laylā to the Emperor’s palace. When she took off her veil, the emperor was disillusioned. Not that Laylā was ugly, crippled or old. But she wasn’t extraordinarily attractive either. She was a human being with ordinary human needs and several defects, a simple woman, like countless others.

The emperor did not hide his disappointment. “Are you the one Majnūn has been crazy about? Why, you look so ordinary. What is so special about you?”

Layla broke into a smile. “Yes, I am Laylā. But you are not Majnūn,” she answered. “You have to see me with the eyes of Majnūn. Otherwise, you could never solve this mystery called love”.

Can we truly grasp love without experiencing it through the act of being a lover? Love defies explanation; it must be felt.

Men and women are complementary. Men guide the family and deserve respect for it. Women complement it with emotion and warmth; their feelings also deserve consideration. This brings me back to my question: what will you respect in that person?

Interested to know more? You can join our marriage course here: